Help for English



Jesus Christ walks in an inn, hands the innkeeper three nails and says: Can you put me up?


A Blonde, Brunette and Redhead

A brunette, a red-haired woman, and a blonde were competing in the Olympics in the breaststroke 50 meters swimming race.

As the three women lined up to start the race at the edge of the pool, the official fired his start gun and the ladies leaped into the water, swimming furiously.

After about one minute, the red-haired woman finished first, emerging on the other side of the pool as the brunette woman swam close behind her, placing second.

About two minutes later, the blonde woman finally finished.

Although exhausted, she was thrilled with her third place medal.

Later, she confided in her training coach that she thought the other women had cheated because they used their arms.

Toto je velmi pravdivy vtip, ktery muze ocenit hlavne clovek, ktery se zabyva engineeringem a zaver vtipu presne vystihuje moji kazdodenni situaci.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, „You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.“

„You must be an engineer,“ said the balloonist.

„I am,“ replied the woman. „How did you know?“

„Well,“ answered the balloonist, „everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.“

The woman below responded, „You must be in management.“

„I am,“ replied the balloonist, „but how did you know?“

„Well,“ said the woman, „you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!“

Somebody is knocking on the door. „Who is it?“ reply: „It's I“
„Sorry, I don't know anybody who says "It's I“.

Men and women … :-D :

1. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

2. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me „What's on the TV?“
I said, „Dust!“

3. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

4. Young Son: „Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?“
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

5. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. :-D

is that all??? i was looking forward that i will be laught

I know…probably I made some mystakes in my short sentence …but you know what I mean :-D I hope so

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Trapas jako prase.! Je to taky vtip.? :-D

Bydlím v share-housu s pár lidma, a přijela majitelka bytu a přinesla mi fotku své rodiny a nějak jsem jí vyloženě neposlouchal a jen jsem zaslechl něco jako,,my father pass me this picture bla bla bla,, a tak odpověd ,,Hmm very nice ,,:-D na to ona začala plakat a nějak rudnout… tak mi už začalo docházet proč je tam ta kytka na stole…A tak mi řekla tu větu znovu…

My father passed away me..... Fakt jsem se citil dost trapně! :-( :-( myslím,že si to budu do smrti pamatovat.!!!

Yeah, that verb is tricky sometimes :) you need to be careful… :)

To já jsem jednou nechtěně řekl o nějaký práškách: Use until passing away -jenže jsem zapomněl until symptoms pass away :-)

Jn taky dobrý :-D

Dobrý obojí. :-D


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